Oh Deer! That time of year again...

MEMO TO: S. Claus, Santa Enterprises CEO
CC: Santa Enterprises HR
From: Rudolf Reindeer (Logistics Div.)
Dec. 12, 4:45 pm

Further to the phone discussion we had last week regarding personal issues with some of the other reindeer, I must say things have not improved. In fact, the situation has deteriorated even further. Not only are the other reindeer laughing and calling me names, but lately I have been excluded from or uninformed about: company sporting events, social occasions and most disturbing- important company memos.

Look, I can take a bit of teasing as much as the next guy, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to work under these conditions. Donner and Blitzen are particularly offensive and have been spreading the rumour I have a serious drinking problem. As I (once again) explained to Mrs. Claus, the redness of my nose is merely a birth mark and I have the photos from my youth to prove it. I remind you the recent drug tests and my initial medical were passed with flying colours, so such gossip is not only unprofessional, it is also libellous.

I would really like to resolve this, as I enjoy working here and I’m sure a firm word from you would do the trick.

Yours,
Rudolf Reindeer

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MEMO TO: S. Claus, Santa Enterprises CEO
CC: Santa Enterprises HR
From: Rudolf Reindeer (Logistics Div.)
Dec. 16, 9:16 am

Sir, I do realise you are particularly busy right now, but I regret to tell you that Cupid continues to be extremely confrontational , bordering on physically abusive. And just yesterday, Dasher incited the elves to flush my sleigh bells down the toilet, which completely bunged up the staff washroom for hours during takeoff practice. So you see, this nonsense isn’t just affecting me anymore. Frankly, it’s gotten right out of hand.

This sort of rude and insensitive behavior is unbecoming and sets a poor example to the younger reindeer. I hope you will have another talk with those concerned. I realise you have asked them to ‘knock it off’ already and I truly appreciate that, but perhaps your choice of words was, unintentionally, a bit poor. Vixen (twice!) tried to take your suggestion rather too literally.

As Mrs. Claus quite rightly pointed out at the staff meeting, such continued disrespect to me is also a sign of disrespect to you.

Please find enclosed my request for a new set of bells, and a medical insurance quote for a nose job. I hope you will approve them both quickly, as I am reaching rapidly the end of my patience with this situation.

Yours,
Rudolf Reindeer.

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MEMO TO: S. Claus, Santa Enterprises CEO
CC: Santa Enterprises HR
From: Rudolf Reindeer (Logistics Div.)
Dec. 22, 12:16 pm

Santa,

I regret to inform you that I am now seeking legal counsel regarding what has become a very hostile work environment. I do appreciate and acknowledge Mrs. Claus’ many and sincere attempts to resolve this, but the harassment continues and I am putting myself on stress leave from now until after New Years Day.

Prancer’s drunken pranks at the Office Christmas party were simply intolerable. Worse, your lack of intervention and obvious enjoyment of my latest humiliation has caused me great emotional distress. While the clinic assures me the substance Prancer used is not radioactive, my now very shiny nose half-blinds anyone withinin a 20 km radius with the red glow. While I can fly wearing protective goggles, I have became a nervous wreck and simply cannot continue to do my job properly while enduring such verbal, physical and mental abuse by the other reindeer (and those old enough to know better - including yourself, sir! )

It saddens me greatly that I must resort to a lawsuit to get this awful treatment to stop.

I have enclosed various EAP insurance claims which I hope will be immediately approved by you ASAP, and cc’d copies to my both Lawyer and HR to avoid further delay.

Rudolf Reindeer

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MEMO TO: PRANCER, Head Reindeer, Logistics
CC: S. Claus, Santa Enterprises CEO
CC: Santa Enterprises HR
From Rudolf Reindeer (Logistics Div.)
Dec. 23, 8:32 p.m.

Prancer,

RE: Your fauxpology.

So... the fog is rolling in over North America and suddenly you all love me and want me to be Santa’s shiny new guidance system? Forget it! If you think I’m falling for that load of BS, then you must think I’m some kind of idiot. What do you and your cronies have planned for me now? I shudder to imagine!

Do you really think I’m that gullible? Remember that stunt you pulled during the simulated landing sequence a week ago? I’m still having nightmares about squashing little Tommy! All that spurting blood nearly gave me cardiac arrest!

And NO! I won’t “just get over it”! I am not “guiding Santa’s Sleigh tonight”, but by now I am sure you’ve heard that I am shoving a massive lawsuit so far up your fat, hairy asses that Santa, yourself and ALL of the other reindeer won’t be able to fart for a century!

Go soak your heads!
Rudolf.

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TEXT MESSAGE TO: Mrs. Claus, Santa Enterprises,CEO
From: Rudolf Reindeer (Logistics Div.)
Dec. 25, 12:16 pm

OMGWTF!! Truly devastated to hear Santa & team lost over North Atlantic in fog. You have my deepest and most sincere sympathies.

New head of sleigh team? Me? Absolutely!!11!1 I am so there for U! Get spare sleigh ready. I’ll totally guide you + new team & get presents to good girls/boys . This day = HISTORIC!

Can be there in 15 mins. Must ‘powder nose’ first. LOL!

Wait for me, my sweet darling girl!
It’s a “new reign dear”, indeed! You rock!
<3 X O X O X O X <3 11!!11
BFF!
Rudolf.

Sent from my Blackberry!


Originally posted at somethingfell.blogspot.com
By E. A. Bardawill

www.leasticoulddo.com

I love these guys...

Flash Fiction:

The only extraordinary event in Gerald’s life besides his birth, was his mysterious death.

His mother unexpectedly gave birth to him in a taxi. As the driver radioed for help, she cut the cord with a ragged key edge and abandoned her newborn on the seat.
Gerald left the orphanage at 14, performed unskilled labour for 44 years, and never married or fathered a child. He paid bills, played ponies and wondered occasionally about his mother.

Pulled dead and naked from Lake Erie, someone had written in brown mascara on his back: ‘Poena damni’.

Latin for ‘Pain of the damned’.

E. Ann Bardawill, 2009