Jolly Old Elf Inc.
Dear Young Woman,
RE: LETTER: Santa Baby, hurry down my chimney tonight.
Have been forwarded your Christmas list and I must take exception to the demands you are placing upon Mr. Claus this year.
First and foremost, please do not address my fine and generous husband as “Santa Baby.” It is undignified and, frankly, far too familiar. You will refer to him in future as ‘St. Nicholas’ or ‘Mr. Claus’.
Please note I find it truly laughable that you also claim to be a good girl, citing ‘all the fellas that you haven’t kissed’, however I must assure you, Miss, you are most definitely on the naughty list and no mistake about that!
Your first demands, for it is too unsavoury to label them Christmas wishes, are
A sable and a light blue convertible
First of all, PETA is already breathing down our necks regarding the entire reindeer issue, so tossing out fur coats to the grasping hands of unsavoury little tarts such as yourself isn’t going to help our case. So you can just forget that.
Further, A convertible? HA! Cute. Let’s just see if the Big Three make it to New Year’s, shall we? Read a newspaper you ignorant twat!
Right... Let’s just have another wee read of your most impertinent letter.
You then whine:
I wanna yacht and really that's not a lot
I've been an angel all year
Angel? You? HA! A fallen one maybe!
But, honestly! A yacht?
Sure, honey, we just have LOADS of yachts at the North Pole. Especially since the entire melting ice caps/climate change thing really started riding our Northern asses. Look sweetheart, I’ll give freaking David Suzuki an aircraft carrier before you see so much as a rowboat out of this workshop, so you can just kiss my hairy little elf.
The deed to a platinum mine.
I think you have plenty of platinum on your ego-swollen head and it obviously came out of a bottle, you hussy. So just forget that!
Next is... a duplex, and checks - Sign your 'X' on the line
Nice try, you little tramp, but I handle all the financials in this household. The only checks I’ll issue you are reality checks - ALL OVER YOUR FREAKING FACE!!
Then you brazenly suggest to my husband, Come and trim my Christmas tree.
That I can help with. I’ll be right over with a chain saw.
Last on your list is a ring and you don't mean a phone.
Look Slutzilla, you are horrifically delusional if you think for one blessed minute he’s going to dump his loyal wife and business partner of 4 centuries for a sordid bit of fluff like you. See, darling, not only do we know if you’ve been naughty or nice, we also know who exactly you’ve been naughty and far too nice with.
So here is my Christmas present to you. The last guy who put a little something in your stocking? Well, he's infected with both Herpes and Genital warts, so you might want to get your perky little butt to a clinic and make your Christmas wish some antibiotics!
Mrs. S. Claus
Vice-President of Operations
Jolly Old Elf Inc.
Any further attempts to contact my husband with be redirected to our legal firm and the only thing involving you and getting laid will be harassment charges.