Sunday, May 21, 2006

Guide To Mudderhood.
By B. Spears.

Like, it’s so totally not a good idea to try to hold a toddler with one skinny arm while wearing high heels and holding a drinkie-poo, so always make shure your bodyguard is, like, is around to catch it.

That goes for those high chairs too. I just can’t get the hang of those stupid claspy things.

Um… oh YEH!
Like totally, never, never, ever drive a car while holding a baby in your lap, even if you are fleeing the paparazzi.

Um.
Oh yeah. Like, you have to change diapers more than once or twice a day, so make shure your nannythingie is around to like, y’know, deal with the ick.

There was something else that’s rilly important I have to remember.
Um…
Kevin? KEVIN!?
What did those rubes from Children’s Aid tell us again??
.
.
.

KEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIN!!!
.
.
.
Son of a b-
.
.
.
KEVINFEDERLINE YOUANSWERMERIGHTNOWOR I’LLNEVERPROMOTEYOURSHITRAP AGAIN!

Oh yeh. A calm, loving environizer for the baby, or something.
.
.
um…

Oh pits. Is the kid crying again?
Could someone turn off the intercom thingie?

HELLO!?

HEY! I’m trying to write a parental guide here!

9 comments:

Ric said...

Just a bit testy this morning?

Poor Kevin. All he wanted was the gigilo gig, now he gets picked on all the time.

Sandra Ruttan said...

You know, it speaks volumes when you can write a whole post and not use that one name, and everyone knows who you're talking about.

M. G. Tarquini said...

You forgot the part about not drinking when you're pregnant.

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

I still don't get why he's calling himself 'K-Fed'. Is like the Kinko's/Fed-Ex merger?

Dana Y. T. Lin said...

P.S. Get back to writing that screenplay goshdarnnit! Or I'm gonna have a hernia here.

Bonnie Calhoun said...

I was thinking the same thing as Sandra!

And she ain't looking so hot lately either...i don't think motherhood agrees with her...LOL!

Erik Ivan James said...

So, Bardawill, when do you start writing for Leno or Letterman or...?
You sure as hell have the talent.

Bernita said...

"by B. Spears."
Sooo satisfying.

Ballpoint Wren said...

Somebody's been reading People magazine.