Gramp's Last Picture Show
by E. Ann Bardawill
(2006)
(With apologies to James Ford, Geishas, Cowboys and people with False teeth)

Every once in a great while Gramps’ll put in his teeth and go to town. The past few years he don’t git out as much as he used ter, what with his old war wound bothering him and all.

The last time he made it as far as town there was a bit of a frackus with some kids wearing them pants down round their knees and giving the wimmonfolk an eyeful of their boxershorts - cause there’s no explaining to Gramps that’s the fashion these days.

I took him to the MegaMall and told him to stay out of trouble and he decided the best way to do that was to take in a picture show. I escorted him as far as the MegaTheatre and he shooed me away, and said he didn’t need no dem babysitter.

It were a few days later I wheedled all the details about what happened.

After I left to pick up a few necessities at the Mega Dollar’R’ Two Town, Gramps looked at the posters to decide what picture he wanted, and upon seeing a couple o’ cowpokes looking forlorn and being a Zane Gray buff o’ sorts, he picked Brokeback Mountain for his viewing pleasure.

Things went sort o’ bad after that.

Now Gramps’ll pinch a penny ‘til it screams, but he bought a box of sweets as a special treat cause he don’t git to town much and the occasion warranted it. He sprung for a cola too, and made hisself comfortable and waited for the show to start. The first inkling he thought something wasn’t lining up was when he noticed it were all wimmin folk in the seats. Not a pair of stright legged jeans to be seen, ‘cepting for one lady with a buzzcut, a vest and funny shoes.

I guess I best cut straight to the chase. Well, the movie got to that part whar it gits cold and the one guy crawls into the tent with the other guy and then things start moving along at a pretty fast and furious clip after that.

Gramps horked up his candy and spilt his cola on the lady with the buzz cut. She screamed like a bat outta hell, and Gramps beat a path out of thar faster than you could spit, which he did cause he was choking on the malted milks and that candy is still stucken to the wall and vest-wearing lady as far as I know.

Poor gramps splashed water in his face in the men’s room and calmed hisself down a mite. Still flustered he went back out into the corridor and figured since he’d plucked down a fair bit of coin he was gonna sneak into another film and git his dollar’s worth, but he’d pick a show more careful this time.

He spotted a poster with a couple o’ Yanks in zoot suits with a pretty blonde dame all stretched out and he went into that theatre. I guess he figured ‘The Producers’ wouldn’t be filled will funny boys like Brokeback Mountain was, but I reckon that weren’t the case and things went from bad to much worse.

The picture had already started, but Gramps settled in with a fresh mouthful of candy and said it were fine and dandy until a big hairy, director in a sparkly gown launched into a song called “Keep It Gay” and… well you can imagine.

After Gramps pulled his head of out of the pot, flushed, rinsed his teeth, put ‘em back in and splashed more water on his face, he wondered what in tarnation the world were coming to.

He should have left well enough alone, but Gramp’s as stubborn as a drunken goat so he ventured out once more and picked another movie at random. I s’pose he figured three times lucky, tho’ it turn into a third strike, I reckon.

Gramps didn’t look at the posters this time. He chose a movie based on the titles scrolling above the doors. His eye lit on the words “PICTURE SHOW” and Gramps figured that it must be one o’ them scary movies cause there were a special note on the door that said “Special retrospective showing of the ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’”.

The MegaMall security pulled him off the food court fountain, whar he were raving about the Problem with Society; boxer shorts; uppity whippersnappers and the rising cost of Dentucream, and released him back to me. While fishing Gramps set of bottom teeth from the fountain, I scooped a fistful of quarters up and got his movie money back. That settled him a bit but he was still twitching when I got him home and put him to bed.

Gramps never went to a picture show again and he never could read Zane Gray after that.
Probably fer the best.