Forner!

Digital Neo-Surrealist Favism Visionary of Low Brow Collage and a Fat Italian Bastard.
What is known about Giovanni Forneri.

Forner! (pronounced For near eh!) Italian-born artist currently missing/presumed dead and/or living in an undisclosed location in Canada.

Forener! was born in Rome in 1969. Like many Italian males he was burdened with an excess of personality and a nicotine addiction by age five. Little is known about Forner! except that he has never legally married, he smokes those tiny cigars to excess and he was excommunicated by age nine (a precautionary measure by the Vatican despite the fact Forner! was not Catholic).
Like all visionaries who produce questionable and hideously expensive modern art, Forner! had issues with excessive behavior.

Forner! is extremely reclusive. He refused to be photographed and never allowed interviews. Indeed, his reputed low self-esteem and gender identification issues are evident in his many images of blonde women with large breasts which he labels “self portraits”.

His artistic style is described as “inconsistent”.
Due to a morbid fear of paparazzi and lawsuits and/or his unconfirmed death, Forner! no longer appears in public. His art is exclusively distributed by The “You Don’t Know Paint” gallery owner Minerva Shotz in London.

EARLIEST recorded scandal: During his first public gallery showing, Forener!’s lowbrow masterwork, ‘Michealangelo’s David Reinmagined in Elbow Macaroni’, was destroyed by a sewer flood in the basement gallery where it was being exhibited. The pasta absorbed the foul water and swelled to horrific proportions. The sad sight of a fouled and bloated David resulted in a severe mental breakdown. Forner! left Italy, never to return.

Other  scandals:
Forner! vigorously denies ever having a llama fetish,  but admits he once loaned The Artist formerly Known as Prince a camel in a drug induced haze.
If Forner! is found alive and somewhat mentally stable, the tax departments of various countries and lawyers representing his ex-wives would like to have a word with him.

Various very public breakdowns and brawls (including a rumored spoon fight with A-List celebrity Steve Martin in which Forner! lost his left eye).

FORNER! SPEAKS: “I hate people. I also loathe malls and aspartame. I despise Hollywood culture with a passion that frightens me, but I do like those little dogs that look like Lassie, only smaller. I forget what they call them.”

On his infamous creation “Michelangelo’s David Reimagine in Elbow Macaroni” : “I was drunk and bored, okay?”

London Tonight with Jeff Leeson and the Joys of Streaking.

Some people think volunteering is boring. I heartily disagree.
Case in point. I volunteer for RogersTV Cable 13 in London, Ontario
One of the shows I help out with is London Tonight with Jeff Leeson
www.londontonight.ca
A late night talk show that is a total gas to work on. What more perfect place could there be the grasp the dynamics of TV talk show comedy writing?

During the first show taping of the second season, FM96's Tucker and Taz made a 'behind the scene's video of a rather startling moment. I am the blonde sitting dutifully at the VTR as the video starts, and not long after that, the drummer for the featured band, the Joys, got buck naked and flashed the audience during the warm up.

Volunteering can be its own reward some days!

BOOK REVIEW - I SEE RUDE PEOPLE by Amy Alkon, Advice Goddess.

Some good advice about advice columnists… Or Why Amy Alkon is Now My GO TO Girl.
Over the course of my life I have devotedly read various “Agony Aunts” - Ann Landers and Dear Abby being the most recognizable. In decades past, if one wanted good sensible advice, one wrote a letter to Ann or Abby, and “Cheated on in Illinois” might or might not get a reply in the paper.

Then the niche advice market started to open up. Advice was everywhere. Advice columns for pet owners, for the religious, for work-related issues, etc. An upstart, Miss Manners, wrote a general guide to decent behavior and dutifully answered in a light, entertaining way. Her gentle readers troubling and lingering issues of etiquette were fairly mainstream, ie: ‘Is it acceptable to answer your cellphone whist simultaneously answering the call of nature’.

For steamier issues came the sweet old ladies, Dr. Ruth and Sue Johanssen, the hip, yet aged, aunties where where one went for honest sexual advice. And this was a good thing, as with each passing generation it became obvious that the problems of the public’s pubic area remained rather constant with minor variations. But there were folks out there with less mainstream issues.

However, the decent and mainstream syndicated ladies mentioned above simply do not tackle such subjects as: “What is the best way to explain to my significant other that, to be truly fulfilled, I want to be tied up naked, slathered with unpasteurized honey and eagerly licked clean by a hairy sailor in a bee suit?” For those sort of dilemmas there is Dan Savage of Savage Love , who is essentially Dear Abby for Kinky, Sexual Pervy types. However you will not find Dan Savage in your community newspaper anytime soon.

So as the columns of dependable Ann and Abby faded away, mainstream media (And I am looking RIGHT at YOU Sun Media!) tried to fill the gap these lovely, sensible women with less than stellar replacements. The advice offered was useless, dangerous or outright appalling! The writing style clunky, whiny and overbearing.

The pretenders to Ann and Abby’s thrones came and went in pathetic droves. (Yes, YOU Sun Media. Sit down and listen to this. It’s for your own good!) It was clear that the giving of Good Sensible Advice was a sacred duty, and not all are called. I wept for all the “Confused in Kalimazoo”s out there, people who simply needed a good shoulder to lean on in matters of the heart. I began to fear for society itself! Years passed. I fell into despair… until I happened upon an issue of SCENE magazine in London and read the column of ADVICE GODDESS, Amy Alkon.

And yea verily, the angels didst sing, and the people rejoiced and the clouds didst part and there was much heaving of relieved bosoms because Alkon’s advice is sensible yet delightfully snarky and hilarious.

She is a rare entity in the Advice World. She entertains as well as helps with good solid advice. Amy is also very, very good at explaining WHY people behave the way they do.

Amy's book, “I See Rude People” is a useful and fun read. As modern technology and rude societal behavior seep like bleach on to the delicate fabric of our sanity, we find ourselves behaving badly unless someone calls us on it. And God help you if it’s Amy. (Pro Tip – NEVER steal her car or her money, because… damn!)

Anecdotes include Amy confronting banking corporations who treat concerned customers like criminals, oblivious parents who blithely change funky poo-filled diapers in the middle of a crowded restaurant and the run of the mill cell phone abusers. Whether one is gently explaining to a guy on a cell phone that no one else in the café wants to hear about his genital wart issues, or boldly tracking down a car thief who snatched one’s beloved wheels, Amy teaches us that calling attention to someone’s lack of social respect is rather like confronting a school bully. Yes, it’s scary, but if enough people stand up to them, it gives strength to the rest of us. We get the society we tolerate. Sighing and eye rolling isn’t enough.

She also reminds us that a good deed has a positive ripple effect. Being nice and/or random acts of kindness are paid forward many times. If someone is nasty to you, don’t carry that negativity with you for the rest of the day. Dispel it with a decent act to some else. Otherwise, the rude retain their power over you. Which sucks, right?

In solving any problem, whether in matters of love, general etiquette or dealing with a crass stranger, clear communication is the key. It’s amazing how many of us require permission to say something simply and directly.

AKA “Excuse me Sir/Madam? You are behaving badly. Please desist immediately.”

Amy’s book, “I See Rude People.” is available at Chapters and Amazon.com.

Her columns and blogs are online at www.advicegoddess.com . You can learn more about her book there.

And SUN MEDIA, here’s some free advice for you. Run Amy Alkon’s syndicated column in all your papers coast to coast. Your current advice column is, frankly, drab and awful.

Just saying…

Digital Hermitry.
Like celibacy for your technology.

Lately, I’m thinking about the technology of “Social Networking” and how we sometimes forget who is supposed to be in charge.

Cultivating an aura of mystery is extremely difficult in this day and age. I mean, how could Clint Eastwood's ‘Man with no Name’ possibly ride into town and get everyone’s attention if they simply googled him and realized, that he was merely Fred Smith: Hobbies - whopping bad guys with ax handles, cultivating manly stubble, being pale and mysterious.
Kinda loses the edge, yanno?

In short... Too much information is too much information.

So when Facebook recently got caught out again with a huge privacy breach, I was grateful that I never joined. Over the past few years I have been asked, and sometimes nagged to join FB, but have resisted. I already have a blog, a YouTube account, a cell phone, an email address and a snail mail address. If folks need to get a hold of me, they can. But no one needs to know my current state of mind every twenty minutes. If I’m bitchy my kid didn’t take out the garbage, then the only one who really needs to know that is the kid in question.

Yet, the peer pressure is enormous and the level of resentment that I am not ‘in the FB loop’ is palatable at times. And yet, daily internet drama goes on without my participation. I can glean the major points during infrequent get-togethers with friends/family. I confess that the Christmas card summing up of the past year is my preferred method of letting the world at large know what I’ve been up to (with appropriately edited pictures), which they can either read or toss into a bin as they see fit.


I have Internet friends I have never actually met, but about whom I know more daily personal details than I do of my own children. I do not think this is a healthy thing. I used to feel guilty if I didn’t update my blog weekly and I wondered why. Who or what is supposed to be in charge here? Common sense has gone right out the window for a new generation that knows no other way to live.

Despite new laws and huge fines, cops are pissed that people STILL insist on texting while driving. Seriously people, is it worth death/maiming just to text: “R U coming 2 the gig 2nite? Whoa! 18 wheeler... BRB.”

A CBC interview this morning blames such idiotic behavior on ‘rebelliousness’. I doubt that’s the entire story. We are trained these days to let technology dictate to us. A phone beeps and we are conditioned to pick it up that very second. Even with voice mail, caller ID and hands free options, it’s like people believe the planet will stop in its rotation (causing Stephan Hawking to totally flip out and reassess physics from square one) if we don’t pick up that call from “unknown caller’ right now.

Technology is made for Man, not Man for the Technology. I know some argue that they must be on call 24/7, but unless one is an essential service IE: head of state, police, EMS or fire dept., I cannot see the sense in it. We all need quiet time to let our minds and body rest. If you take your cell on vacation you are missing the point or R&R entirely. Technology-free vacations/retreats at B&B’s and monasteries are becoming increasingly popular and for good reason. Until you go cold turkey, you may not appreciate just how much stress and time suckage your laptop, TV and cell phone adds to your life.

Add to that the constant media barrage of information, usually a form of advertising. Channel surfing is NOT resting. Whether actually interesting or completely useless, it is mentally exhausting. We no sooner turn off the TV and put up at sign in the door that reads: ‘No flyer or junk mail’, then we find telemarketers bombing our cells with unwanted calls around dinner time, or flyers shoved under our wipers or pop-ups in the middle of the news article we wanted to read. Fark.com rightly points out that much or our news isn’t news at all. Journalism is a novelty these days.

For example… The Toronto Star did an actually investigation into the deplorable state of certain nursing homes. I was riveted. OMG! Real, actually content!?? WHAT A CONCEPT!! I felt renewed hope for the resurrection of print journalism as, Ironically, the Globe and Mail blathers on about all the new shiny colours they have in their much advertised redesign. I weep for our national newspaper if this is how they think they will woo readers. And they are not the only ones.

Another case in point: Just recently, London’s A Channel (CTV) actually had a 3-4 minute segment on the KFC Double Down vaguely disguised as a news story. I was justifiably pissed. There’s an municipal election next week and crazy shit happening all over town but they actually showed a live newscast on a fucking fast food sandwich. It’s hard enough getting real local news in London. Watching some “journalist” stuff his cake hole with a free fried chicken sandwich is not journalism, A-Channel! Wake the hell up, already! It’s insulting. It’s garbage like that that made me cut the cable and cancel paper subscriptions in the first place.

Summing up then…
Unplug yourselves, set you limits and take personal control of how you let mass media and communication dictate the limited time you have on this planet. Demand quality or deny them access.

The first step is realizing one has a choice. As social media and digital technology become increasingly intrusive and subversive, then the prospect of becoming a digital hermit becomes more appealing, and frankly, sensible.

So, of course, I immediately felt compelled to get online and blog about it.
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Wait… am I doing this right?

Science Fiction Convention - Polaris 24 in Toronto (July 16-18, 2010)

For the past 8 years, my youngest son and I make a yearly pilgrimage to the SF con, Polaris (aka Toronto trek) in Toronto. This year my son brought his lovely GF, a Kelley Armstrong fan. (Her very first con. I hope she wasn’t traumatised.)

Friday:
Attended the Mind’s Eye Preview, a 24 episode web series debuting in November 2010 created by Guelph’s Synn Studios (www.synnstudios.com) and Lynnvander (www.lynnvander.com). Mind’s Eye looks interesting, and the lads (many of whom seemed to be named Tom) were clearly a particularly dedicated and professional bunch. I attended all of their filmmaking panels and picked up a great deal of good, sensible advice. I was, however, rather disturbed by the combined effects of sleep deprivation and Red Bull on young males.
Anyway – check out www.mindseyeseries.com.

Yes, things got a bit of a strange with Nancy Leslie & Lesley-Dee Dylan’s X-Rated Rumpy Pumpy: Blackadder panel. I thought it would all be fairly naughty, as it was last year, with the obligatory turnips handed out as positive reinforcement to those with sharp wits and excellent dialogue recall.
This year it was a bit different, as costumes were provided, and as one of the few shameless females present, I ended up being photographed in various compromising positions with a prop udder. I milked the panel for all it was worth. /Rim shot
The gentlemen present were somewhat on the shy side, so it fell to me to break the ice. There’s something both disturbing and enchanting about mature men giggling like schoolgirls. Incriminating photos will eventually be posted.

Got into a huge laughing fit during a panel over the creation of the Church of Ernie, with Pastor Bert presiding and the image of Cookie Monster NOM-NOM-NOMing wafers. I suppose ya had to be there.

Saturday :
One of the actor guests of honour was the lovely Lindsay Wagner, of Bionic Woman fame. I am not much for meeting celebrities, even those I like. I don’t bother with autographs or photos, but I did attend her talk that afternoon. She is truly as beautiful as she was 30 years ago. She’s a great speaker, and regaled us with hilarious anecdotes about filming the series. I do recall the BW did not take itself too seriously and that was one of the reasons I loved it. Bionic Woman is coming out on DVD soon.

I had no clue who any of the other actor guests were. I kept running into some guy named Kai Owen from Torchwood. Haven’t watched Dr. Who since Tom Baker, or Star Trek since TNG, so I had no clue who these people were. I felt rather out of touch.

One of the best attended panels, booked into a small room, was Gender Roles and Feminism in SF. The room was packed. Both men and women seem frustrated with the 1 dimensional female characters depicted these days. The early Scully, the early Leia, Sarah Connor and Ripley resonate SO well with both genders. Is it simply that the male writers who dominate the industry do not know how to properly write women characters after a certain point? These days Carrie Fisher makes stupid money as a script doctor punching up female dialogue in optioned scripts, so that surely is part of it.

Zombie panels were more popular than Vampires. Streampunk jewelry and fashion is HUGE. Steampunk Hats were the dominant fashion in the dealer's room. I am noticing a lot fewer American dealers. Crossing the border is a nightmare, so I suppose they just stay on their side. A pity, really. American artists used to come up but now they just sell their original work online, so the content of art auctions have become a bit lacklustre. (BTW... Artist Heather Bruton did a fine job as auctineer.) But I long for the days when large originals works were on display and for sale. The auctions lasted for hours. Original art from bookcovers and from White Dwarf & Dragon Magazine created intense and dramatic bidding wars. I miss that. Few cartoons, except from Chad Wm. Porter and he sold every piece he brought.

Sunday:
Excessively hungover from Saturday night (I recalled going on a booze run for one of the Synn Studio guys, then chatting up Lar De Souza until 3 am) I shuffled about with other overhung conzombies seeking light breakfast food, prepacking the car, then waiting for my final panels.

Copywrong and Digital Media Rights turned out to be the best panel of the con for me. As technology makes it possible for us to generate and distribute our own content, it’s becoming disturbing how easily creativity can be destroyed when corporations use copyright law to control ideas and “vault” them rather than allow them to be legally shared and new derivative concepts to blossom. We all agreed that a USE IT or LOSE IT patent provision is going to be essential or we are culturally screwed.

All in all, a good con. No Sailor Bubbas (google it) this year, though. Am disappoint.

Episodes of Bitter TV can be found here

http://www.youtube.com/user/EAnnBardawill

and here

http://www.funnyordie.com/eannbardawill

Episode one: World Report's journalistic integrity takes a huge hit during sweeps week.

I will be appearing at The London Ontario Fringe FRINGEWORDS event.

June 21 (Monday) at Chaucers Pub.
7 to 10 pm.
Theme is London, Ontario

And yes... my contribution is very silly.